You know you've been a consultant for too long when...

1) you refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as "deliverables";

2) you can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly what's wrong with the machine and what parts need to be replaced;

3) the new client staff come to you for information on how to start the coffee machine;

4) you've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of two major airlines' flights to your client's site;

5) you can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't remember what you had for breakfast that morning;

6) you have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair;

7) you know all the late night security guards at the client site on a first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" or "swing-shift mainframe operators" as you choose);

8) you use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company's, the client's or the software vendor's;

9) you feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder;

10) the project partner tries to hire you;

11) you forego the opportunity to fly home on the weekend, because you really like it Kainasto (Fin), Morko (SWE), Wurlington (UK), Irps (NL), Mont Cue (F) etc.;

12) you say "Whoopee! Half day!" when you leave at 10:00PM;

13) your kids point at the phone and say "...that's the one that's broken" when you get home, thinking you must be from the NYNEX, 'cause you sure don't look familiar;

14) you start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would give you more time at home;

15) you start referring to your PC by a cute name;

16) you are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren't on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on your pillow;

17) you fantasize about zero-billing;

18) "vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home;

19) you can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking at the menu;

20) writers for the OAG call you to verify flight numbers and times;

21) you have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at UGC Acropole;

22) you have had more phone numbers than Imelda Marcos has pairs ofshoes;

23) the media phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very real (and frightening) meaning for you;

24) you forget how to turn on the windshield wipers in your own car;

25) new staff point at you and say, "... that's him, that's the old guy ... ";

26) your resume' looks like a phone book;

27) the client says your rates are too high, and you blush;

28) you introduce yourself to your next door neighbors ... again;

29) your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend;

30) you use the word "paradigm" in a sentence;

31) you use the word "granularity" in a sentence;

32) you use the word "robust" in a sentence;

33) someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?";

34) you cry when your PC won't start;

35) you carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then you ask what it means;

36) when other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get a lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a whistle, and say, "...my last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er ....";

37) you have a day off, and you call work because you miss it;

38) you write a workplan for your weekends;

39) someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer the question;

40) before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the emergency exits are;

41) before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until the fasten seatbelts sign is off;

42) you call CTG (computer support group) with a support question just for the entertainment of hearing their answer;

43) a good dinner consists of vending machine snacks;

44) a good lunch consists of vending machine snacks;

45) you insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the month so you can see what you missed;

46) you can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is;

47) you believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get;

48) instant coffee tastes good;

49) you can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get stumped when asked for your home number;

50) you file more state income tax returns than Microsoft has trademarks;

51) you've been staying in the same hotel, you instinctively call it"home";

52) the hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every week (this is not always good);

53) the room service staff feels free to nag and fight with you because they know you'll be back next week anyway;

54) you know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking guys;

55) you get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you're OK than you do from your friends;

56) then you realize the hotel staff are your friends;

57) You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

58) You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."

59) You refer to dating as test marketing.

60) You can spell "paradigm."

61) You actually know what a paradigm is.

62) You understand your airline's fare structure.

63) You write executive summaries on your love letters.

64) You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know;

65) You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization, with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to
change as it is facing ever increasing competition..."

66) You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an "ineffective handling of an administrative situation."

67) You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

68) You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.

69) You calculate your own personal cost of capital.

70) You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."

71) You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering,""down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's asses."

72) You actually believe your explanation in number 15.

73) You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation.

74) You enjoy using an HP-12C.

75) You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."

76) Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function.

77) You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."

78) Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."

79) You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.

80) You believe CAPM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity.

81) You believe CAPM.

82) You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

83) You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.

84) You refer to divorce as "divestiture."

85) Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Financial Times.

86) None of your favorite publications have cartoons.

87) You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

88) You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

89) At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.

90) You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it will blow up given the day's weather conditions...

91) ...and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.

92) You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.

93) Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills

94) You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.

95) You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.

96) You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller", and then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her.

97) You give constructive feedback to your dog.

98) You understand the entire problem you are working on, but you are still getting paid to figure it out.

99) You can list ninety-nine reasons why you have been a consultant for too long.